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1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead to have a delicious meal on time, regardless of what time she might return from work. And it must be piping hot. Or cold. Whatever the optimum temperature according to your knowledge of her palate. Use only fresh and exotic ingredients lovingly grown and harvested by your own hands in an environmentally benign — no environmentally beneficial — manner.

This is a way of letting her know that you have been thinking about her — and not in an entirely creepy way. Most women are hungry after a hard day’s work and the prospects of a perfect meal are part of the warm welcome they require.

2. Prepare yourself: Take an hour or so to rest so you will be refreshed when she arrives. Suck a breath mint, put a little product in your hair and apply a fresh layer of deodorant — something strong enough for a man. She has been with a lot of semi-intelligent and well groomed people all day. Be a little gay (just a little) and slightly more interesting and funny than you were yesterday.

3. Clear the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your wife arrives, gathering up your putter/ball returner and any power tools and extension cords you may have left lying around. Put away the PS3 entirely, as if no one, not even the kids, has been using it. Open a novel on the coffee table and put out a half a cup of chai tea, so that it appears that amid the housekeeping and childrearing mayhem you were able to steal at least 10 minutes of “you” time.

4. Prepare the children: Soak them in water and OxyClean for twenty minutes or so to get those nasty stains out. Change them out of last night’s PJs and get them into tonight’s so that it appears you’ve gotten a jump start on bedtime. Your children are little treasures and she would like to see them playing the part. So rehearse your lines one last time. Get your story straight on anything you or they may have broken during the day.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of her arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. You’ve likely flipped a breaker by running all four in a frantic attempt to get a few last minute things done. Tell each child to close or put away their own appliance and go reset that breaker. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Yelling will not work. Bribery might. TV definitely will.

6. Be genuinely happy to see her. Greet her with a kiss — no tongue — and a warm smile. Things to avoid: Don’t greet her with problems or complaints. You can review any medical reports and veterinary bills later. And don’t complain if she’s late for dinner. Just make sure you’ve wiped the corners of your mouth so it’s not obvious you’ve already dug in.

7. Make her comfortable: Have her lean back in her chair. Bring her the copy of Chatelaine that you’ve bookmarked with articles you think she might like — you know about things like the latest advancements in resealable containment and closet organization. Pretend that the drink you just poured yourself is actually for her. Cue up the last few episodes of the Young and the Restless on PVR. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice — somewhere between Barry White and Emily (the voice of Bell).

8. Listen to her: You may have a dozen things to tell her, but the moment of her arrival is not the time. Sure, the sump pump is broken and the water is rising quickly, but it’s not like your basement is finished. She just wants to be heard. If she says, “Carl is being a real pain again,” don’t try to solve the problem by saying “Carl, eh? I’ll take care of it for you.” Instead, say something like, “It sounds like what you’re telling me is that Carl is not easy to get along with. Oh well, tomorrow’s another day.” She doesn’t need to know about the series of threatening letters you’ll be sending to Carl.

9. Make the evening hers. And the remote. With PVR, you can watch The Daily Show and those old Bond movies during tomorrow’s nap time. And don’t complain that she never takes you out to a fancy restaurant or introduces you to any of her friends. Hey, at least you never have to shave. Instead, try to understand her world of strain and pressure. And, dude, shave already. Come on! Would you take yourself to a nice restaurant?

10. The goal: To make your home appear to be a place of order and tranquility that, while always at the precipice of complete and utter chaos, needs just a few slight maternal tweaks on evenings and weekends to keep it balanced.

*Adapted from a 1950s high school home economics textbook teaching girls how to prepare for married life. If you think this is scary, you should read the original – http://www.snopes.com/language/document/goodwife.asp.